Learning To Love The Woman I Was Told To Hate

She abandoned herself just to survive. And this week on Life's Deceit, Karen of @mymentalstory is telling the whole story. Growing up without her mother's love, colorism within the Black community, seven therapists before she found healing, and what it truly costs you when you bury who you are just to fit in. 

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#LifesDeceit #LegacyByChoice #GenerationalHealing #BlackWomenHeal

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

There are people who bend, and then there are people who bend so far they almost disappear. Some break under the weight of what they've inherited. Others decide, right there in the dark, that the bloodline ends with them, that the generational cycle stops with them. That they are no longer going to carry a bloodline that is toxic. My guest today is a woman who tried to take her own life but lived. She made a choice to live. She made a choice to keep going. She made a choice to learn how to love herself. Not because life got easier, but because love, just an ounce of it, reminded her she was still here for a reason. She had a purpose, a calling, an assignment on her life. This is not a story about survival. This is a story about choosing legacy. Choosing to make choices. Choosing to live and choosing yourself. Welcome to Life's Deceit. This is season four. Legacy by choice. Chosen, not inherited. This season is for the cycle breakers. The first generation healers. The ones who looked at what was handed to them and said, I don't have to carry it anymore. I have choices. And this ends with me. Today's episode is special. It's an episode that I'm excited to share with you guys because making choices is not easy. This episode is the kind that you don't just listen to, but you sit with. You dismantle it, you process it, and you allow yourself to accept it and digest it. My guest today is Karen. Karen Pepe Samuel. A mental health and self-love advocate. A woman who turned personal pain into purpose. And the author of the memoir, My Mental Story. A book. A book that does not flinch, soften, or sanitize what it means to survive childhood trauma and still choose to live differently. I'm your host, Jen Simpson. I am delighted to be in your presence, Karen. It is an honor. You are absolutely beautiful, and I love that you love you. Yes. I'm in love with you. I love that. Thank you so much for joining the Lights to Seeds platform. This season is Legacy by Choice. Chosen, not inherited. The reason why I chose Legacy by Choice and not inherited is because I was living in my purpose, doing all this work, and thinking that okay, I'm building the legacy that God wants me to build. But I never really focused on what that legacy really was. And I didn't really put too much intention in it. What I was really focusing on was breaking generational cycles and building a legacy off of that. So my choice wasn't really mine. I just knew that I was raised a certain way. I experienced trauma and I was gonna break those generational cycles so that my children and their children, the next generation, wouldn't have to repeat those things. Now I made a choice. What type of legacy am I trying to build? I don't want an inherited one because I was raised in trauma, and now I'm like, okay, well, this is my legacy. I gotta break those trauma cycles. So I made a choice that after the trauma, what are we doing? What's the legacy that we're really trying to build? How do we want to be received? How do we want to show up? What do we want to be remembered by? So we're making a choice to build those legacies with intention, not inherited because of the traumas we went through or the experiences we went through in our lives, but because we had a choice and we're gonna continue making those choices daily. Karen, you are a powerhouse, okay? I am like, you are my mother figure, you are my sister, you are my auntie. I am so delighted to be able to know you in this season, and that is a part of the legacy is being connected as a community. Every day's our day, and we know that. 365 is our day, but to be able to honor each other as women and say, you are my mother figure, you are my sister, and I'm proud of you because I'm drawing from you, I'm learning from you. You are a phenomenal legacy builder. And I really want to ask you before we dive into all that you're doing and all that you are, before the labels, before the trauma language, and before mental health advocacy, who was Pepe before you learned how to survive?

SPEAKER_03 5:16

It's actually Pepe's job, and you call me Pepe for short. So and uh Pepe was actually just a little girl with big dreams that thought that she had the power and the body, and she could fly like a plane. Uh, she uh believed as long as she was you with love, she would fly anywhere, and she'd be able to lift up any weight until she couldn't feel the weight anymore.

SPEAKER_02 5:48

She's a dreamer, she's a lover, she moves with intention, she's kind, and she just loves freedom.

SPEAKER_01 6:01

I love that. But Karen to Pepe, Peppisha, I get that right?

SPEAKER_00 6:10

Pepe Pepe Pepe.

SPEAKER_01 6:12

Where where did that stem from? Where did where did you come up with that?

SPEAKER_03 6:17

Well, my dad, um my I'm gonna use the word mother, but I I have a difficult time saying the word mother. So I always say the woman that housed me in her uterus, if in her womb, um, she left me at six months in Jamaica with my dad and my grandmother. And my dad had named me Pepita, uh, off of my dad's a fisherman, and uh back in Jamaica, and one of the tourists that used to come by, he used to have his own little cart where he sells seashells and little sea trinkets, and one of the um the tourists that used to come by and that was very kind and that used to give him extra money and pour out money into the sea because she knew he was the best diver. Her name was Pepita and she was from Mexico. And he wanted to name me after her. So he when him and my mother got what got me, he said he was going to name me Pepita, but she said she's not naming me that name. When she when she did have me, he said she's not calling me no other name but Pepita, even though the birth certificate, the birth certificate said Karen, it was Pepita, and he called me Peppy for short. Not a pet name, it was his name. Everyone knew me as Peppy. When I came here to um Canada at three and a half months, everyone again knew me as Peppy. I didn't know my name was Karen until the first day of school when the teacher called me Karen, and I was confused who this Karen was. I still stayed into Pepi. That was Pepi was the black version, and Karen was the Caucasian version. It was when I moved to Calvary, Alberta, where I seen how the Caucasians, let me just call it back because back in the 80s it was more Caucasians that were there. Um, they lived a different lifestyle than the blacks. I grew up in a small church community, and it was mainly Caribbeans, um, more Jamaicans, but Caribbeans that were there. And we grew up in housing, um, uh, got a lot of stuff funded by the government, but never, I didn't feel let me say, we weren't without food, we weren't without clothes, um, however, there wasn't love. And then when I went to Calgary, I seen where they had food, they had home, their houses were bigger. Um they had access or more opportunity, and the biggest thing is what I seen love and respect that I did not see in my home. And I thought that was to get love and respect, I needed to not be black, and when I say love and respect, I was coming from a household where I would never ever, I could never retell you one time. I heard I love you from my mother, and I was hearing from the black community how ugly I was and from my mother, and then I experienced the colorism because I'm dark-skinned with bolder features than when I would go around the white, and I love the feeling, they would just look at me with astonishment. I remember my friend's mom wanted to touch my skin, and she would tell me how soft, beautiful it was. She was astonished that my hair could stand up in the air on its own, and she would try to put hers and tell me how she always wanted to touch my hair, which I love when she touched my hair. She would tell me how it feels so beautiful, and she would tell me how beautiful I was.

SPEAKER_02 10:19

Then I'd go home, and I'd have my mother calling me a big black monkey brute, comparing me to an ape and a monkey, and then I would be around a community that beauty to them was this color of your skin, the shade of your skin, and the silkiness of your hair.

SPEAKER_03 10:45

So I decided that the Karen's that I knew look like Laura Ingalls. So I was going to be Karen and I gave up Peppy. Peppy was the black version, Karen was the white version that was going to be rich, that was going to be educated, that was going to be elegant, eloquent. Um, and Peppy was basically um triggered here, Peppy was a nigger.

SPEAKER_01 11:14

You know, I'm not crying because I'm sad. It's because I can tell how much you went through, but you chose to keep standing and finding the truth and unlearning so you can learn who you really are. I love who you really are, not just because somebody else said it, but because you truly know that you are beautiful. That's why these tears are like happy tears. Like, I'm so glad that you did the work, you did the work for us, you know. And there's so much that we go through, but having the power to just say it as the healed versions of ourselves and not being selfish and keeping it to ourselves, and I commend you for that.

SPEAKER_03 12:13

Thank you. And I love the fact that you're using these words right now a choice, intention, um, breaking.

SPEAKER_02 12:23

I love those words that you're using because you're right, it was a toy.

SPEAKER_03 12:28

Um I'm still healing. Um, I'm still unlearning and learning. Um, I believe as long as there's breath in my body, I am making it a choice to learn, to unlearn, to heal with intention, um, as the world evolves, the world does move. So why wouldn't I also? So I know that I have to adapt, I have to shift, um, to break these generational persons.

SPEAKER_02 13:04

Which for me I've broken. I don't know if I've broken it yet for the next generation.

SPEAKER_01 13:13

But as you said, I'm being I'm leaving that legacy that they can see that if you make a choice, it can be done. And I can tell you that you've broken it for the next generation because we focus so much on stopping it from happening that we think, okay, well, it's not gonna happen again. We broke it. No. It's being that voice, it's being that centerpiece. That's what breaking it is. That, hey, I'm not just gonna roll over and take it, I'm not gonna be silent, I don't have to reinvent myself, but Karen left something for me to be like, okay, I can do it, and I can do more than what she did and multiply. And as you go along, things change, right? So it's not about breaking it that it never happens again. Things are gonna happen. But how do we handle it? How do we face it? And that's what you've done.

SPEAKER_03 14:08

And that's what you got there. Just to go back to when you said who is Peppy. Peppy was a little girl that believed in fairy tales. Once upon a time, and her prince charming was gonna come and happily ever after. Then reality hit. And this is where I made that choice to live in reality, knowing that um all the monsters are there. Challenge is it's not if they come, it's when. But it's the choice of how I'm going to deal with it. What you said, am I just gonna roll over and give up? Um, when that sadness comes, when the depression does come back, am I gonna stay in that moment or am I gonna take that moment, acknowledge what's going on, and then figure out how to get through? I said, what I went through, I don't know if I'll ever get over it. Everyone has their fix, but this is my story. I it still comes up, I still have dreams, I still feel away. It's certain things. But it's my choice if I want to stay there, or how am I gonna get through that moment or what I'm going through at that time.

SPEAKER_01 15:25

What was it like for you being raised in Jamaica? I know you said something, and I thought about my own story. My mom also migrated to Canada and left me when I was a baby with my grandma and my dad. Best time of my life. My dad gave me these, mine weren't names, but they were nicknames Gali Munchi. But it was the best time of my life. And migrating to Canada, I was excited to get to know my mom again. I'm gonna see my mom, I'm gonna live with her, she's gonna be this amazing woman. I'm excited. And then things just 360. I didn't I didn't expect. See, for me, I wasn't ready from Jamaica.

SPEAKER_03 16:05

I came here when I was three and a half, so I don't know Jamaica like that, but because of, and we'll get into it, because of the epilepsy and the full memory loss. I started to remember back to when I was two. That's when I started to remember the sea being on the sea. My mom and I never had a bond because she left me at six months. So I believed my grandmother was my mother, and my father was the one that he instilled certain things in me. I believe the love. Yes, I can. Um, I put the story in my book about him throwing me in the sea, which up here it's child abuse. Now I understand what my dad was doing. He wanted to prepare me for when things happened, stop, embrace the sea, embrace the wave. You control it, it doesn't have to control you. And then when he brought me where he threw me, yeah, I could have stood. If I just took a moment to breathe and assessed my surroundings, I would have seen that I would have been able to stand up. But actually, the moment I got here and I the woman embraced me in her arms, that was the moment the love went away. So, and then I ended up again being raised here.

SPEAKER_01 17:25

When I was a teenager and I started to experience trauma, is when I started to remember things that happened when I was a child in Jamaica. Because I didn't remember anything. Like when I started to remember, I was like, oh, I had fun. I used to climb trees, I used to make pushcarts, gigs, all these cool things, right? So I feel like sometimes when we're that young, we block out things out of our minds. Kind of like trauma blocked, but we block out things and we just keep it moving, right?

SPEAKER_03 17:52

That is what happened with me. Well, for one, I didn't know what trauma was. When even as an adult, hearing this word trauma, I thought for anyone to go through trauma, you had to have this pick by a car, drop by a like a plane, crash into a plane. I didn't understand what trauma was until I went through therapy. And trauma was what brought on the epilepsy. So I will say to anyone out there now acknowledge and go get the help that you need because it can bring on something.

SPEAKER_01 18:28

Yeah, I agree. And you know, in in our community, still therapy is still a huge stigma. But therapy is necessary and it helps.

SPEAKER_03 18:41

It does. And I will say to everyone, well, yes, in our community, I was actually trauma. I didn't voluntarily, I'm sorry, the therapy I didn't voluntarily go at first. It was no, I had to do to get something out of it. Because going to therapy at that time, I'm 53, meant that you were admitting you were crazy. Because only crazy people went through therapy, and that was something that was being said about me, the rumors, she's going crazy, she's mad. Her head is not good, and I'm thinking, oh god, I gotta be at they're gonna put me down at Queen Street, because I wasn't understanding what was going on in my head either. And we also grew up with you don't tell anybody your business, uh, you keep it all to yourself. I grew up thinking strength was figuring out how to deal with it and hold it in. Again, it was therapy that had me realize what my strength was was actually strength is saying something's going on here. I may not understand it, but I need help. Weakness is when you actually hold it inside, and then still breaking down these myths about therapy and being crazy, what crazy is um the difference between mental challenges and mental illness. Um, and again being vulnerable enough with the right person, which I chose a professional, uh a professional therapist to let go and commit, stay consistent to unlearning and relearning myself, which made me fall in love with myself, and also opened to try different things. Um, where she said to me, I didn't grow up in an era where breathe first, just breathe. When this therapist was telling me, learn to count to Ted and breathe, I was like, What? No, you must think I'm crazy and I'm not crazy. I'm not counting to no damn 10. I actually breathe now and count, do my counting and my deep breath. But again, I had to discipline my mind. I had to find what worked for me. And this is what I want to say to everyone. When I talk my story and I tell my story, it's my story. You will never have my story, you'll never have my. We may have similarities. What worked for me may not work for you, because my healing, my resources, my skills are geared towards me. However, I tell my story to let everyone know that you can do it and get your own story and your own fix, your own healing geared towards you. So when I say I exercise, that teaches me discipline. You'll also need discipline too, but I don't know how you're gonna get that discipline. But just be open to learn it. And when you do go into therapy, don't give up on the first one. It took me seven therapists to find the right one. And it was the right one that started asking me about me instead of telling me about me.

SPEAKER_01 21:59

There's a different Yes. When they ask you. When they ask you about you, how you see yourself, complete difference than you trying to diagnose me and say, Well, this is this, you you checked off all these boxes, so this is who you are. No, let me tell you how I feel about them, how I see myself. Yeah, yeah. Because some of them will just want to check off boxes. So I agree with you. Finding the right one that works for you, and doesn't matter how many you have to go through, maybe 20. Maybe you'll get it on the first try. But give it a try. The first day may be peaceful. You may hate the emotions and the tears that come with it, but go through the emotions and see what happens.

SPEAKER_03 22:39

100%. And have your where I said, I'm coming from with your page and how you know I've done my research on you. You speak a lot about God. Um, once upon a time, I would have told you something that you told to me about God. And I grew up in a religious family with God. However, with anything that happened to me, I I told him that time, that one time I went underneath the stairs, and I was 12 at that time. And I said, Because you hate me, I was gonna hate you back. And we went through that. Um, I don't read the Bible, um, I burnt that. I cannot walk into a church to this day. However, my grandmother came to me in a green in a dream, and that's where I found her back because she was in an unmarked grave. And she said to me, as I say, my grandmother's up there, and I think she was being called to the principal's office, which is God. I call him God because I grew up as God. You gotta hold on to something. There's something that you believe in. I that's what I know him as. Oh, now we have a relationship that's just me and him. So on top of my faith with just me and him, I cannot get any other pastors involved, sisters involved. If they come in, I get distracted and I get angry. We now have this relationship, me and him. We talk in the morning, I trust and I believe, but he's also led me to believe that I need something else on top of my faith with him, which was the therapy. That at any time I have no problem going back if it gets too much, and I feel the resources that I have right now are not enough. I believe that God has given me that intelligence and insight to know that there are other things that he has put out there that I can use on top of being faithful.

SPEAKER_01 24:36

I love that you brought that up because I do feel like we're not honest enough to say sometimes we're mad at God. Sometimes we are mad at him, sometimes we question him. If you are God and you are Almighty, then why? Why is all of this happening? And that's why I say we are the source. So we're breaking and we're rebuilding, right? And you saying that you did the research, people would probably think, okay, this girl goes to church and she's all like, you know, hallelujah, jump up and praise. But listen, I had to get to know God myself. Because I was also in church. I was also church hurt, I was also rejected, I was also ashamed for who I am being pregnant out of wedlock, having an anointing that I didn't understand, but nobody would help me. Nobody would guide me. You guys just judged me and labeled me, whatever you wanted to label me because I didn't act, speak, or have an anointing that looks like yours or looks um acceptable to your anointing and your calling and whatever you guys want to call it. And I had to go through that process and say, okay, why did you give me all these gifts? Why did you give me this heart if it was gonna always be stomped on? If I was gonna go through so much pain, why did you give me such a forgiving and loving heart? But people just keep coming and taking, taking and hurting. Explain it to me. And you just said something that was so loud to many people that we've all felt this way. Some people may not say it, I burnt the Bible, but we've done some stuff to the Bible because you gave us this word, but is this word really for us, or is it to hold us down, or is it to manipulate us? We've all experienced those questions, but the truth is when we can be honest with each other and say, I've been through it, I've experienced it, I've lived it, so I can tell you how I had to go through those stages and seasons of my life in order to get to know who God really is for me. I had to build that relationship that there's not one pastor, not one beacon, not fellow, not one fellow sister that can tell me that God doesn't love me and accept me and sees me and has something for me because I know him. So I love that you said that because a lot of people need to hear it right now in this season. That getting to know God for yourself outside of those walls of church, outside of people telling you things, you have to know for yourself. You have to have that experience with him for yourself so you know and you don't just bank on what people are saying and you go into this dark place of, oh, he's not gonna accept me. He doesn't love me. I just did something wrong. I just had five bottles of alcohol yesterday. Why would he accept me? When you know him, you know him, and there's not one person that can change that. So I love that you just gave that. That's a that's a gem, that is a life gem that no one can take away from anybody coming from your mouth to their ears. Because we're in a time where everybody's, you know, picking and choosing, you're not worthy, get out, you're not worthy, get out. Yeah, God doesn't. Who are you to tell me that I'm not worthy enough for God? So I really thank you for saying that. Because everybody needs to know that they are loved, regardless of what you've gone through or what you've done. You go to him and you talk to him, he's forgiving and he is love, and that was beautiful. So I just wanted to sit with that for a second because in this time we need to remind each other of that, as bold as possible. Forget what everybody has to say. Know for yourself. When did you realize at first something wasn't right?

SPEAKER_03 28:15

Um, I'm gonna say three when I came here. Um, when I came off of the plane and the air smell differed. Um, I didn't see any turf voice water. Um, where the hell were the pot trees with my polka dot? And where was my daddy? And the moment that the woman embraced me, um, that's what it was. And then going into a home where I there's other brothers and sisters, and the separatism, that's when I realized the separatism in the family, and then just the feeling in myself, there was that feeling of not feeling special, which my grandmother and my dad were giving me that. I didn't feel that here, and then I'm going to say where everyone says, I never heard the I love you. I watched it on TV, but I never heard the I love you, and I'm gonna say one of the biggest things is an I don't know if I pass this on myself to others, but I do now. I was taught to love God, I was taught to love daddy, mommy, brother, sister, a man, but there was never one time anyone ever told me while growing up to love yourself. I was also taught loving yourself meant that you thought you were better than someone else. You think you're better than this, you're better than that. I had to learn as an adult that loving myself had nothing to do with anybody else but me, and that's where I think something was different for me was the love. I just felt I did not belong, and that was one of the hardest things was I mean, at eight, I'm crying in a closet, and no one knew, and then going in, as you said, putting that mask on, that smile, that pretty smile, that everything is okay. But that time you don't talk about mine, you don't anything when for me, anything where growing up in in in the Caribbean culture, anything you talk about mind meant, it was equated to crazy or your ed no good, you're no good. And I never wanted to be, yes, and I never wanted to be equated to anything like that. So I put things away, but while you're putting things away, you're building things up, and I there was no way I was relieving them, so it was gonna come out somehow, some kind of explosion. But who would have known that?

SPEAKER_01 30:54

Who would have known that? And you talk about that self-love, that self-love, loving yourself, not equating love to a man or to friendships or how successful you are in life and material things you have. That is so deep in the Caribbean culture, and you know, choosing your right partner too, that goes back to self-love. And I remember when I met my husband when I was 19, and I so badly I just wanted to leave home. I always used to say in my head, when I'm when I'm 19, I'm leaving, and I'm never turning back, I'm never coming back to this house, I'm gone. I said, I'm gonna find my husband young and we're gonna live a beautiful life. But I did not know what was gonna come with it because I never knew what to look for. All I knew was that I was raised with a stepfather that was aggressive, emotionally, and physically abusive towards my mom. That was what I seen. And this thing that you know, it's it's not necessarily said to you, but you just it's passed on to you that if he hits you, he loves you. Don't take it personal. Manfnofuman, those types of things that they just throw out there that you just naturally start to believe, and it's embedded in you, so you just let certain things slide. But I had no idea who God was gonna transform him into. Because I can say this my daughter, her beauty, her confidence, knowing who she is, came from him more than me. And I don't feel bad about it. Because I don't think we know as black, like as black women, yes, we we say we love the black men, but sometimes we can be so hard on them. We forget that they're going through things too. We forget that they experienced trauma, we forget that things were passed on to them, that they just believe that that's the way they're supposed to live. Because they saw their father do it, their grandfather, the male figures in their lives, and even their moms. He was the one that taught her how to love herself. Your skin is beautiful. Your black is greatness. Your hair, oh, your hair, my little beautiful princess. I cannot get my daughter to put braids in her hair. She wanted her hair to be braided. Now she's like, Mom, I don't want it. So you, she's like, you got me to love my hair so much, you and dad, and now of a sudden you want me to what? Put braids in it. I'm like, you know what? You're right. And now she has this good balance of okay, I get it. Protective styles are necessary. So that's self-love, even for our boys. We have to teach them as young as they are, even before they can talk, that you're beautiful. But when you're doing it, don't try to encourage them to believe that they're better than somebody. You're better than that person because your nose is straighter, you're better than that person because your skin is lighter, your hair is softer, but do it with gentleness and humbleness that they can stand firm in who they believe. So when you talk about that self-love thing, it is deeper than just the surface because I struggled with it in a lot of people.

SPEAKER_03 34:15

100% we struggle with it. Well, you drop this word again, balance. Again, I was never taught how to balance myself. Um and again, in a realistic world, you have to learn how to balance it. You have to learn how to pivot, you have to learn how to adjust. That was something that I wasn't taught where you came from the home where where you seen the man being aggressive. I came from a home where it was the woman that was aggressive. Um, she was the one, the dominant one. She took over. So for me, I only know how to be dominant. I didn't even know that once upon a time I was a bully because I didn't know how to control my anger, not bully bully to kids, the partners that maybe I was with, like that. I could you because I grew up with a woman being the dominant one. And then I had to again unlearn, realize that my anger and my resentment were out of control. And asking and telling was two different things: conversation, and like I grew up in a house where she never I don't remember her speaking like this. I just remember yelling. So I did not know how to communicate effectively to other people, and I grew up as nope, I'm a woman, and you're gonna listen to me because that's what I seen. So I didn't have most men around me knew that I was the strong one, and again, I had to learn what aggression and assertiveness was, and it was learning that word control, how to control these feelings and emotions that I had inside of me, because I am human, I do get angry, I do get sad, I do get happy, I do get um, I have anxiety, both good and bad. It was the balance and the learn of control. And I hope that going forward, especially in our community, we teach that, and again, loving yourself does not have anything to do with anybody else. Um, when I walk into the room, yeah, I think I'm the bomb. But that has nothing. You should walk in the room and think that you're the bomb. I'm not thinking that I'm comparing myself to anybody, I just feel good, look good. Oh yeah, what makes that wrong? And I find that especially with other black women, that's why uh I struggle with other black women more that way, because for me to walk in and feel good, you get intimidated by that. And now I'm I'm learning and I'm teaching other girls that's their issue, they've got something to do, but you should walk in and feel like you're all of that. Like I should be able to tell you, gosh, I love that green top that you're your hair is beautiful. I'm without you thinking I'm coming on to you, I just want to praise you, and that has nothing to do with me. I still think I'm all of that. I just want to give you that shout out because I'm confident in myself that I am looking good. And you actually accept the fact that I can walk in with my crown and then say queen to queen. All right. We don't do that enough, and I and I believe it's because everyone is battling with their own self-issues, and they some of us just don't want to accept that. And I I was one of the girls at that time. You were okay, you think you're this, you think you're that. I don't even have time for that right now. I'm too odd myself right now, but it took me, it it took a while to get there. I again having to unlearn, as you said, making that choice. I want to do something different, I want to be something different. I am tired of crying myself to sleep. I am tired of being angry, I am tired of being out of control, I am tired of being tired and saying, okay, so what am I gonna do about it?

SPEAKER_01 38:32

I love that. You've openly shared that you bent so far, you tried to take your own life. I want to honor this moment with care because still, if somebody says that I felt like taking my own life, people are like, oh, what were you going through? Like it's a turn up your nose type of thing. But I felt that way many times that I even forgot. You know, when you are healing, and healing's a journey. So you talked about you still healing, nothing's wrong with that because I'm still healing. There are moments in our life where things happen and it re-triggers us, and we're like, okay, there's some work that still needs to be done, and that is okay. It doesn't mean that something's wrong with you. There's just a little trickle of work that needs to get done, and we're gonna do that work so we can get to where we need to be. But you know what I realized the other day? I said to myself, oh my gosh. Like we wake up every day so entitled. We go to bed thinking, yeah, we're gonna wake up tomorrow morning, we're gonna do this, we're gonna get everything done, but we forget to give thanks for being able to wake up and still live in this skin and have the opportunity to still do. And I forgot where I was coming from because I said to myself, I can't even remember the moments that I was suicidal. I can't even remember the moments where I just wanted to end it, and I told myself that my kids would be better off without me. How could I be so selfish to believe that? There's so many kids that have lost their parents and that are going through agony. And I look at my kids every day and I'm like, oh my gosh, I forget that I I begged God for children, and I have them. So I want to thank you for making that choice to still live for me because you are now in this season with me, and with other young girls and women and men that will be like Karen Pepeel, you met me a stand today because you chose to live. Those choices they matter and they affect not only us but everybody else around us and that will be connected to us.

SPEAKER_03 41:00

I'm gonna say to that with thank you. Thank you, first of all. But and I'm glad you're one of the ones that took me coming out saying that I tried to take my own life not in a bad way, because I I feel people, why are you telling people your business? Why would you say something like that? Because that was what it was true, and that's where this is coming from. Had I had someone that looked like me, and when I say look like me, normal, because everyone was expecting me to look this way that they think anybody with mental challenges looks like. Um, dark-skinned woman, say, you know what, I've gone through, I'm going through it. Maybe I wouldn't have tried to. And it wasn't at that point, it wasn't I was trying to die for per se. There was so much going up here, and I had no way of getting it up, or no one that I felt safe to say it to, that I thought I went back to that little girl that was in the seat. I thought going under I would be able to get cleansed and come back new again. Do you see in my like what was going on? And there was no one I felt safe to talk to. And I tried. Um thankfully, my dad. The man I didn't speak to in five years. The moment I was slipping under in the bathtub, the phone rang, and that's what made me jump up. We spoke for maybe less than a minute. And that was the little bit of fuel I need to turn me back into that plane and get me fixed up and put me back on the runway. Now, mind you, I said I was still carrying weight, but I got fixed up to start again and take that deep breath the power of breath and lift myself up. Speaking now, as I I speak out now with many groups, especially to the young kids, when I say that part about me trying to attempt to take my life, you'd be surprised how many, especially black, young, young, under 13 that have attempted to self-harm themselves, but never talked about it. And when they hear me say that they is this this and I said, Yes, why? But they've never felt safe enough to speak with someone or have someone relatable to let them know, okay, I you know, I may not understand why you did, but I get where you are. How can we get so you do not want to attend this or find another way to deal with the challenges that again you're going to go through? That's what that was. And that is the reason why I, as people say, talk my business. Because if I had somebody that spoke their business, that probably would have, I'm not going to say I wouldn't have gone through challenges. We all know we are going to, but it would have helped me find other resources, other ways, or different ways to handle the challenges and then not make me feel so alone, like I was such a weirdo or mud person.

SPEAKER_01 44:31

You know, as we just spoke about that, I was watching something on TikTok yesterday with this female, they put her in the mental institution in Jamaica because she she was going through something. She was she said, I was breaking. And they asked her, Did you try to reach out to any of your friends? Did you speak to anybody? She said, Yeah, I did. And they said, What did they say to you? She said, They just said, I love you, girl. And that was it. She said it to them more than once, and she said, Not one of them helped me. And one of the females said to her, Do you think it's just because maybe they just didn't know what to do or how to help you? She said, No, that's not an excuse. And I agree with her because you know what? We love to make excuses. We don't know what to do. We don't know how to help you. I don't know how to deal with that. I say that's nonsense and I say that's bull. Because even if you don't know how to deal with it and you're not a profession, you can show up. You can go to their house, you can spend 20 minutes, 30 minutes, an hour, and just listen to them speak. Hold them in your arms tight and let them know that I may not know or understand what you're going through, but I'm present for you. That's all it takes is calling. When your spirit tells you, you know what, let me call Karen. Pick up the phone and call. Even if it's a brief call, you don't know what that one second did for Karen.

SPEAKER_03 46:01

No, I love what you said in that way with checking up, just what you said with checking up, but I also want to be mindful on two parts, because just on the other side, like for me, as I said, I tell my story because everyone has their own story, and everyone is you need your own individual help. Sometimes I did maybe overrely on people that were going through things at that time, because sometimes that friend cannot be there because they're going through what they're going through. And then that's why I encourage professional help, like someone outside. Two there were people that were telling me the wrong things. Everyone wants to play therapist coach, especially nowadays. Everyone that but you're telling me based on what you would do. Remember when I said before, I got a therapist that got to know me. So she was asking, and she we did things based off of Karen, not off of her. I find sometimes when I talk to people, even my story now, I don't know what made them feel that I'm telling you because for you to come and help me. I I I'm I'm good and they've already told, and then they're giving you the wrong information. Sometimes though, well, if I call you, I'm calling you, just shut up and just let me get it out. It's not necessarily that I'm looking for you to give me advice, but I just want to know that someone's there. As you said, for your friend, you just maybe just take me out for dinner and or we go for a walk and let me release. But please don't give me just to go back in. I I wanted to just tell you that that was really important for me that I not give all my burdens to other people because I don't know what they're going through. And for someone there, that's why my circle is very, very, very small. When I come to you and I just need that time to release, it's releasing. Ask me, Karen, do you? I don't know what to say to you. Like when people, death, I don't know what to say when people have, I honestly don't, and I say I don't know what to say right now. So be honest, but you don't have to go because sometimes you're giving them information that may not be well for them. And checking in doesn't mean that you have to become a therapist or a coach. I am not a therapist or a coach, nor do I want to be. Sometimes other people's issues weigh a lot on me, and I take it on. So be very mindful. And with saying that, I used to have yes people that just, you know, I thought I'm gonna go and I'm gonna, I'm gonna tell this person, yes, go tell them off and everything. No, no. That's why I like to go with someone that's impartial to the situation. And remember the whole thing I told you with my mom? And I blamed her for everything. And everything that went wrong in my life was always her fault. It was the therapist that said, Why am I spending so much time on her? And why don't I take accountability for me? She wasn't there at these points, and she's not there right now. Leave that, let's let's deal with you. And that was that moment that I really okay, gotta deal with me. And it so happened this passed on to my daughter, and I'm being as open here and telling it, we don't have that. And it's everything is a blame. And I know now because I've gone through it, she's not at that moment where she's even gonna receive everything because everything's gotta be my fault. And I keep on saying professional therapy is what you need, so you focus on you, you're focusing too much on me. All right, let me be the worst person ever, leave that alone, but so put it back on you, and now you have your own. Yeah, you're where you're you're carrying that same thing that you said you think you're not gonna carry. And the moment I let my mother go, this year, 2026, I heard something, and I never thought, I I only said it two hours ago. I spit on her at everything. I couldn't believe I said I forgive her. And I told everybody I would never. I realize what forgiveness is, and no matter what anyone tells you, oh, forgiveness, no, I care what I had it had to resonate with me. And I realized that I'm not holding on to that. There are certain things that's coming that I miss out, but I'm not holding on to her. And again, let's go back to originally how you started this choice. It was this year, 2026, after eight years of therapy and everything, and November and December, I had to go back to therapy because of certain things that were happening. I realized that this is not about her anymore. And it was my choice to make it about her. It's about me, and that's where I said my mental story. We all have our own mental story, but we have a choice. You get you said the choice and the benefits for me. My letting go is different than your letting go. My letting go was not blaming her anymore. And through that, again, years instead of blaming and using my time to blame. I'm using that time to take accountability and turn that pain into my power. As I said, that that little ounce of my dad just hearing his voice, his tone, powered me up. And I I equate myself to that plane. There are times that I I can hold on to the turbulence, but there are times when I know I can't. There are times that I know that fuel is empty, that I'm going to need to land and fix myself, whether it's got to be change some batteries, change some screws, or maybe I'm just gonna need to upgrade the whole damn plane. I've made it about myself. And in our generation now, we're watching so many other people or just blaming, blaming. Blaming, blaming. And I'm not gonna say I'm perfect. Let me tell you, you're looking at some per some imperfect, perfect person here. But I realized that I control, I control Karen Samuel. I no one else can love me more than me. No one is gonna know me more than me. So why not invest the time in myself instead of investing the time with what you feel or what you're gonna know? Because no matter what I said, I wrote the book and people have read the book and interpreted in a whole different way than the book. I just realize I cannot control your interpretation. I know my intentions, let me focus back on me. And I think if we really, like your page right now, you're preaching that. Let's go back to intent of ourselves, of us. And when we work on us and you know, realize that we can fix, we can heal or stay healing, it will make it better for our next steps and those coming up after us or those watching us to follow us.

SPEAKER_01 53:15

I this is something that I've been like preaching in the last couple of days. When when do you move out of stop blaming and taking accountability and your own intentions? Because yes, our parents may have done some things when we're younger, but now we've moved out of their homes, we've moved away from those things. We are grown, we have how many hours out of the day to use what we have and take accountability and focus on ourselves and our intentions. When do we stop doing that? When do we stop saying, well, it's my parents' fault, that's why I don't have a good career, good job, and I'm not rich and I'm not this? Stop blaming. You have the same opportunity to pivot. It's time to pivot. I've been saying this.

SPEAKER_03 54:09

I'm gonna use me and just say with that and take again. I I'm being honest with everyone. That was an excuse that I used to not do what I need to do. Yep. Uh like and when we start to honestly, as you said, take accountability. And I had to take accountability, I was using that, blaming my because this is why I can't get my this is why I can't get this down. This is that was an excuse that I was using. And I'm gonna turn around. I don't use the excuse anymore. So everyone's gotta go into themselves. Stop, stop using the excuse. Stop using the excuse.

SPEAKER_01 54:39

Stop using the excuse. Healing is not some overnight miracle that's just gonna happen. Healing is not something that we just start today and we're like, oh, tomorrow I'm healed. I can get up and go do anything. It's a journey, it's a consistent choice that we make. And you've spoken about how you began your healing journey, going to therapy. But briefly, what did that journey look for look like for? I know you said you went through seven therapists. People are like, oh, that's crazy. I'm not doing that work.

SPEAKER_03 55:08

But you made a down.

unknown 55:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 55:11

When I first went to the therapy, I expect to be fixed within the hour. You see, you see, and I got frustrated because I walked out and I was still having the damn same feelings. This and I said I wasn't going back because it didn't work. It didn't work. Right. And I this is where I'm just gonna say, you know, when they say don't give up on yourself, like again, I had to put in the work and I had to know like a job. This job wasn't the right job, but we go look for another job, right? That was but I had to put in the work, and I also had to, I honestly, I had to put in the work and I had to discipline my mind. And as I'm saying it now, and it may sound easy, it was not, it was not easy. I had to trust myself to trust other people. That was not easy. I had to tell my business to other people. That's why I'm gonna say it. I rather tell my business to somebody that doesn't know. I had to be receptive to take in feedback that I may not like. It was the therapist that told me, no, you're wrong. Wait, I did I'm I have to pay you, like, you know, thank God I had a really good benefit. They're paying you to tell me that I'm doing something wrong because I didn't want to hear. I thought therapy was going to, you know, condone my behavior or tell me that, you know, I was right and tell me why it was gonna tell me why I'm feeling like this and saying, right, this is right that you feel like this. No, therapy was telling me this is why you're feeling like this, and this is how to get you to stop feeling like this if you want to stop feeling like this.

SPEAKER_01 57:00

Right.

SPEAKER_03 57:01

Thankfully, for me, there was never a drinking or drugs or smoking for me, but I'm telling you more like I relied on my drug was the depression, my drug was the hiding from people. Um, my drug is I stopped eating, not knowing I stopped eating. And that's what led me to the epilepsy. But I'm gonna tell you therapy again. Um, and again, faith is something I had to relearn. And I know a lot of people said, Oh, I I hear people, oh, just my God. There's more than that. God made therapists for a reason, so you can still hold your faith, whatever that is, and still get professional help.

SPEAKER_01 57:46

Balance, go back to your word balance, balance, you can still hold your word while getting professional help. You can still hold the word while getting professional help. That needed to be repeated twice because people need to understand that, okay? Even if it's extra time.

SPEAKER_03 58:11

God gave you the sense, God gave you the common sense to say and put things in front of you, resources and tools that we can go and do that, and along with your faith and your belief, he also gave you the intellect to go and find those people that can do that extra step. That he, I, I, I keep I battle with people a lot. The Bible does this. When I was going through my epilepsy and my memory loss and my seizures, they said I had a demon. No damn demon. And I they brought me to church to pray out this demon. The demon did nothing for me. You know what did it for me? I'm on medication, the lowest form of medication to reduce this the seizures. I have mental uh focal and neurological seizures, but I still believe in I but I still believe me and God, we have our conversations and I'm like, help me. I'm menopausal right now, but I can't pray out menopause. But I believe that if you think they're gonna, you know what? Help me deal with what I'm going to deal with now, with going to again, maybe you know, that the doctor to help me with this segment of the menopause that I'm going through. Like that's what I don't know when we're gonna get into that. God gave us the mind to use that wisely, use it wisely, and he gave us something to hold on to to get out there and use what we've got to use wisely. So there's uh as a go back for people to overstand there's a balance, and you can still have your faith and get the help that's out there because he created all of this.

SPEAKER_01 59:49

Right. Find your balance, and there's a huge difference between surviving and rebuilding, a huge difference. How did motherhood shift the way you saw your legacy?

SPEAKER_03 1:00:03

I'm gonna say for me, I actually when I became a mother, it was to I was trying to recreate myself. And then I realized it it couldn't work, it couldn't work. Um because I didn't have that mother that I like the love, I thought giving my daughter things, materialistic things, was love.

SPEAKER_02 1:00:27

Oh God.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:28

I realized that after it's coming back to bite, uh bite me in the butt, and I took out my actual cervix to prevent me from having any more kids because I didn't want her to experience favoritism, which is what I experienced. Again, if I had the right mentor at that time, it wouldn't have happened. But I'm gonna say now, as a mother, I'm realizing what my grandmother said. Sometimes you just have to let it be and keep on working on yourself. And this is where I'm gonna say my faith comes in. I have to trust and believe, but the realism that for my own sense, my own self, I have to protect my own well-being and my own self so that when she does come around, I am going to be the right guidance this time for her. Like, so we're not right now, we're knocking two heads, and we can't because she's not there yet. And maybe I'm not there yet, but I'm still rebuilding and knowing that a true mother makes sure that she is solid in herself first in order to raise the next one. And I wish I had known that before becoming a mother.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:44

Do you have any regrets removing your uterus?

SPEAKER_03 1:01:48

100%, yes. I wish I had therapy to talk to because I was afraid. I was afraid of becoming my mother. I was afraid of having her feel the way that I fit felt. And again, I was trying to recreate something that can't happen because she was not me and she wasn't going to be. So that's where a lot of the disappointments uh I wish I see even before I took it out. Um, and again, I'm being very I'm being very transparent. I had gotten pregnant and I went and I um I had an abortion because again I I was afraid of her having to share her time or feel favored. But that was because I was not secure in myself, and if I was, I wouldn't have done that.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:43

I know you just said you're being transparent. And again, I just want to thank you. Thank you for being all of you. I cannot repeat that word, thank you. We live in that shame, and not trying to admit that that fear reaps other things. It reaps other actions, it reaps the mental. It reaps how we treat ourselves and how we raise our children. And you are admitting it that you are afraid of repeating your mom's cycle, and that's what happens when we don't take the time to get the help that we need and heal. And I can relate to what you're saying so much because with my daughter, so I was molested by my uncle, one of my mom's favorite brothers, and having nightmares, and I still have them because just two weeks ago I had one, and I'm like, I rebuke it because that will not happen to my daughter or be my daughter. But that fear is still there. Just because you're healing and you're you're getting therapy and you're doing the work doesn't mean that that fear does not pop up. It does. That's a part of being human. Nothing's wrong with you. Anywhere my my daughter wanted to go, I would send the 15-year-old. You're gonna watch over her, you're gonna protect her. Not realizing it's because of my fear. And I forgot that I raised her different than me. She's more vocal, she's strong in mind. She knows how to say no. She will pick up that phone and she'll call me and she'll be like, I'm not comfortable, can you please pick me up? She tells me I don't feel comfortable hugging this person. And I listen, I understand, I acknowledge, and I receive it. Her body's speaking to her and she's vocalizing that to me. I have to hear her out. I can't just say, Oh, just hug him. That's your aunt, that's your uncle. Her body's speaking to her, and her intuitions are off, and she's letting me know that. So now I gotta understand and be like, okay, let's talk about it, right? Because my mom never did that. I raised her a certain way, so I know that she will know what to do in those situations. And I had to realize that I'm putting a burden on my 15-year-old to always have to be behind his sister when maybe he just wants to be at home and just get some extra rest because he's been playing basketball all day. So, what you just said, that fear, it is real and it is active, and we have to learn to deal with it.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:09

No, listen, I've I've watched your podcast, and I'm gonna say everyone out there get into your podcast, and I see you allow me to be real. And if I'm going to come here and I'm gonna advocate, I don't want everyone to think that this is I wake up every day and it's sunshine and roses, and I have a butterfly that's no, I wake up, I cry. Uh, there's heart, I'm going through things. Um, I take up the if you go on my page, I take off my makeup, you see me with that, with it or without it. But that's again because of self-love. I love me. So I love me at the rawest part. Um, I'm still battling through things, challenges. I would hope that, you know, I've put it for my daughter. Please don't let your daughter carry our baggages.

unknown 1:05:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:56

But I don't think she's there yet. And that was my thing. I Like as you said, with your daughter and with your son, you're having them carry your baggage because you're you you're still dealing with what you're doing with doing that. And I don't know. As I said, I don't know if I'll ever get over, but now I know how to get through. I I know how to put myself through and again challenges come up for me. I'm still scared. But the fear got less. Somehow I know I'm going to make it through. It may not be what I want, when I want it, how I want it, but for something, for me, it always something works out. But I go through something, but this is why I'm here to tell the story. When you said purpose, this is what my purpose is. And if I'm going to live in this purpose, I need to be real, raw, and authentic and transparent. Because that little girl, that little eight-year-old Peppy that still lives in me. This is who she would have muted. If someone wanted to ask me, what would you tell your younger self? Right now, I can't tell my younger self anything because she's still here. But what I would tell other younger ones there is if you just allow for help, acknowledge you need help, and find someone trustworthy. Get ready. Get ready to put in the work for yourself because that even that therapist, she couldn't do it for me. Whoever the pastor, the pre, none of them could do it for you. I had to put in and commit, even on the days when I said, free, oh, forget it's not working. I still got up and I had to put in that work for me. And that's where to me, the gym, you'll see me exercise and stuff like that. Exercise releases a lot of stuff. So I could start back again. And I'm constantly starting over, honestly, constantly starting over. I'm constantly rebuilding. Once one spills, once I climb this hill, I'm at another hill to climb. I don't know, it just comes here, but it's become like an exciting journey for me right now. And when I say exciting journey, sometimes the journey it ends up with tears. Sometimes the journey does not end up with that metal, but it's my journey. It's my story, it's my mind. Um that I've committed everything that I can to make me the best person that me know that I can be.

SPEAKER_01 1:09:01

But what is one thing that you inherited that you didn't want her to actually inherit either?

SPEAKER_03 1:09:08

I think the the the inherited, uh I I would say materialistic, um using material, how do I want to word this now? Using, I think I inherited that, you know, the more you have materialistically is the your value or your worth. Um, so having that big home, the shiny car, money, being around people that honestly, the real things that uh that would have made me even value and worth more immensely is if I had that self-confidence. If I had that self-energy, that self-rejuvenation would have given me that self-worth would have been more than money to me, because money you can get in whichever way, but I did not have the self-love for myself to want to even or believe that I can do half the things that I am doing now. I would say that I I inherited and I believe I passed that, where her worth or our worth is more than any materialistic thing that's out there.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:31

I love that.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:33

Because that is that is something that we strive daily to make sure that our kids understand that they're not valued by the things that they have in life, who they are, what they represent, and that love that they have in their hearts, not just for themselves, but for other people too. Yes. Your book, my mental story. My mental story. Girl, listen. I take off my imaginary hat to you, and I give you an additional crown because I loved your book. You did an amazing job. You are a writer, you are a storyteller, you are my mental story. It wasn't just a memoir because I was reading it and I was like, oh gosh, your writing style kind of reminds me of mine. It's an offering, and it's an offering to many women. An offering that it's okay to tell your story, it's okay to talk about the mind, the weapon of the mind, and how the mind is formed against us, and the damage that the mind can do when we stay in that mindset and stop telling, stop trying to convince ourselves of things that were not, things that were passed down to us. Why did you feel that this story, this book, was needed to be written now, especially in this season? Not just for you, but for others, for people that are struggling with their minds, but too afraid to say that.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:06

I believe for me right now it was because everything now is mental health, mental challenges, everything, and it's become a trend and it's taken away from really what's happening out there where everyone has a fix. But if we can just go back and again, the mind is very powerful. It can either control you or you can control it. I wanted people to hear my story, and it started off. I'm gonna the book started off seven years ago, and it started off as something that I wanted to do out of anger and for revenge and to get back. That's how this book started off. And if you read it at the beginning, then it actually turned into the therapy because my therapist told me to write, and I said, okay, I'm gonna tell everybody business and I'm gonna get back. That is how this started. Then you will see where I started to take accountability, you will see where it started to come in. And I wanted to really tell everyone, even with this trend of mental health and mental health advocate, you have your story, your story isn't my story, and mine's isn't your story. But what have you what are you learning? And for each journey and each season that you're going through, what have you taken from it? And let's not kid ourselves. Life is going to life. Yeah, how are we gonna handle that? And I just wanted that little boy or little girl to know this too shall happen. But you're not gonna get it unless you start writing your own story, whether it's physical or not. And again, taking accountability, commitment, and removing it from them and being you, you. And how are we going to fix you? And what are certain tools that we can lean back on when we're going through those rough times and taking again where everyone says stay in your lane. I don't know about staying in my lane because even if I drive on the 401 lane and I'm gonna have to move over to the next lane, being prepared to move, being prepared to make those swift changes and being able to love yourself enough to know that when it is time that you're going to need that help. You're going to have to pull over on the side of the road and call CAA. Um, and then just show I wanted people to see my wrongs too, too. And a lot of times, oh, it's just like, and I was, I was this, I was the I was the victim. I was this. As I said, I realize now she's gone to something. So did my grandmother. And they didn't know better. I wanted people to see I know now better. And I'm not saying I'm perfect. Gosh, I still have a waste, I still have dealing with my temper and how to manage this and put it together, but I'm now aware of it. So I don't have so many blow-ups. My actions and reactions are less volatile. I'm more aware of who I am and what I'm doing. And that's why I believe this book had to be out there. Um, I've had people, oh, I'm talking everybody's business or anything like that. Yes, I wish people did talk their business in a real way. That would have helped me. And this is my story to tell. And there were so many narratives out there that I wanted to put my way and be an authentic way in. Again, even if it's one person. This to me is there's hope. And again, 53. I'm starting over again.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:45

You could still do it. You could still do it. And I know you you mentioned seven years ago, and I feel like, you know, sometimes God prepares us for things, and we call things, we use this big word, oh, delay. I should, I should have done this when I was in my 20s, should have done this when I was in my 30s. Oh, I wasted so much time. Uh-uh. Listen, if there's something, you know how they say God's timing is for sure? God's timing is for sure because there's some things that we gotta go through before we do that thing that God knows we're gonna do. That seven years was your seven years that you needed to write the book the way that God wanted people to receive it. In truth and honor, not in anger. We move out of anger, we move into peace, and that I'm still doing the work and that's being human. So the seven years were necessary. Everything happens in timing. I don't believe that anything happens by mistake, but in perfect timing when God knows we are ready. So I'm I'm glad you took the seven years and you didn't just push it out in anger and say, I'm not gonna wait the seven years, I'm just gonna. I love that you did that. But in the book, you described the moment when Pepe disappeared and Karen was created, not by choice, but by survival. Looking back now, who did you have to become in order to stay alive? And what did it cost you to abandon Pepe for so long?

SPEAKER_03 1:17:16

Who did I have to become? I had to become First Diva. Um, and that was just a different part of me. Um, yes, what did it cost me to abandon um Pepe? It cost me my culture, it cost me that black girl worth because I did not want to be black. However, with the memory loss, I never lost her, I abandoned her. So when you use that word abandoned, I've I just it it's just it's taking me, I abandoned her, but I didn't lose her. It brought her back. And it was, I was able to intertwine everybody together because these are these are all my personalities, these, these are all my characters inside me. And I can't tell you enough how proud I am to be a black woman, meaning that I'm not here and saying every I believe that we should be in an inclusive world. Um, but I love being black in that world because I believe that this black, dark skin, wider nose, I turn heads when I walk into a room. And that's Peppy. That's that little girl that thought that she would never get attention. That is her. Fierce Diva is the one that I believe is that lion, is the one that's that defender and the protector. Karen, Karen is the reasonable one. Karen's the one that says, okay, let's calm down, bring the two together, the the timid, shy one and the fierce one, and saying, let's think about this first. Okay, let's see how we're gonna balance and use all of our attributes together. So that's what I would say.

SPEAKER_01 1:19:07

Never lost her, just abandon her. And they're all a part of you. That's what that's literally what I took away. You she was never gone. You just, you know, tucked her away neatly for when the time is right, she'll come back. At different points in your life, you tried to build safety through success, motherhood, relationship, and control. But real healing came when you took control of your mind, your thoughts, and your self-worth. What did you consciously decide would end with you? And what legacy did you choose to build instead?

SPEAKER_03 1:19:43

I decided what I would end, um, what I didn't want to continue anymore, was the blame, was the losing control of myself, my feelings, and my emotions. I decided that I was going to build a legacy, legacy of my own self-worth, my own self-belief, and my own self-love. I was going to start something where I was going to hold myself accountable for the good, the bad, not beat myself up when I made those errors, and focus more on the fix, the solution, more than the issue, the problem, or the mistake. And that's what I believe is helping me through and through going forward, even with the challenges that I still face. That is what's helping me, knowing that I am going to stay focused on building.

SPEAKER_01 1:20:40

My mental story. When readers read your book, what do you expect that they will receive when they close the book?

SPEAKER_03 1:20:49

I believe they're going to receive that power, that power of Air Pepe, the plane. They're going to have their own plane. And they're going to use that last fuel that they have either to go on the runway or to go back into the carbon and fix themselves up, upgrade themselves. I believe once they read the book, they're going to receive accountability. And hey, let me start with me. Let me see what I can do to upgrade, elevate, adjust, pivot myself. And they understand that word true resilience. And understand that they're not broken. You may have bent way back, but you're not broken. You can bend back, and there's no right time. There's the longer you wait is just the longer you're waiting. There's no wrong, there's no, you can start over and over. As I say, I'm a pro at falling down, but I'm an all-start getting back up again.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:59

You're an all-star getting back up again, and I can see that. And I'm telling you, I don't know if you guys are listening, but this book, when I was reading the book, it shifted something in me. When I was reading the book, I was connected to Pepe. I was connected to you. And you don't have to so I want to say you don't have to be battling with your mind or be sitting in shame to read this book. This book, my mental story. I know people say, okay, who's the book for? But it's for everyone. Because it will shake up something inside you. Your mind will start to just play and transform and feel like, okay, is there something inside me that I'm that I haven't been facing? Have I been wearing a mask? When I walk into work, how do I feel? What character am I in? This book is for everyone. And I really want you to get a copy. You don't have to be battling with your mind. You don't have to be sitting in shame. You don't have to be sitting in confusion. This book is for you, and it's a must read. So please get yourself a copy. If you don't want to go on Amazon, reach out to Karen because I'm telling you, you're going to love the book. I loved it. I couldn't put it down. And I know that there is another book in you, and I can't wait to get my hands on a copy of that one too.

SPEAKER_03 1:23:30

Thank you. I do want to say with anybody there, as you said, the book. The book is for anyone with a mind, it's for anybody with feelings and emotions. And right now I'm I'm really focusing on um um mentoring and motivational speaking with the book. Um, I didn't when everyone reads the book, they have more questions. That's where the motivational speaking comes in, that we delve into those little parts. But again, making it really important. It is for anybody with a mind, feelings, and emotions.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:03

It definitely is, and trust me, I'm telling you that it is. Karen, we have a little game here, and I'm excited to play this game with you, and I call it Rapid Fire. The game is called Rapid Fire, Truth without overthinking. And I just want you to say the first thing that comes to your head. No fixing, no overthinking anything. Are you ready? Yes. Okay. One word you're reclaiming this season. Truth. A belief you had to unlearn.

SPEAKER_03 1:24:39

I'm not worthy.

SPEAKER_01 1:24:41

A boundary that saved your life. Giving others control. Something people misunderstand about mental health. You're crazy. One sentence you would say to someone who feels ashamed for needing help.

SPEAKER_03 1:25:00

You hold the power.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:01

You hold the power. And you held your power and you took it back. You took it back. And if there's somebody listening right now on the floor, in their chair, in their bathroom, anywhere in their home or wherever they are, feel like they've bent too far. What do you want them to know?

SPEAKER_03 1:25:21

You can unbend. As long as you have breath in your body, you're not broken. You can unbend. However, you've got to be ready to commit to yourself to unlearn, relearn.

SPEAKER_02 1:25:38

And again, unbending means adjusting, pivoting, and even changing. Commitment and discipline. You're gonna be fine.

SPEAKER_01 1:25:52

You're gonna be fine. You're not broken, you are not weak. You are not your inheritance. You can choose differently. You can build a new legacy. Karen, you are such an amazing being. And I truly want to thank you for the words, the wisdom, the authenticness that you've given to the audience today, the listeners that will feel some type of transformation in them, some type of shift, some type of like a sounding board. Your voice is a sounding board, it's like a pillar. And I want to thank you for being present in this season. Thank you for being present for others. And not just showing up for yourself, but showing up for everyone. Because people will hear your voice. They will have your book in their hands. And for listeners that have really heard what you said today, how can they reach out to you?

SPEAKER_03 1:26:50

Uh, the best way to reach out to me is um I have my website, uh, which is um uh best way to reach out, because I can't even remember the website is so brand new, but uh through Instagram, which is at my mental story, and that will give you my website that uh you can uh reach out to me if uh you want me to come down and do any speaking. It'll also hold the uh website to Amazon where you can order the book or through the website, but Instagram, my mental story is the best way. And before we go, I want to thank you and your platform. Um Life Deceit, this is the platforms that we need. Real, raw, authentic, and truthful. So thank you for allowing me to share my journey and my story, and thank you for allowing everyone that you allow queen to queen, receive your flowers. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 1:27:47

Thank you so much, Karen. I am honored to hear you say that. Sometimes we're doing work and we don't even know how we're doing, but when we hear it from another queen, it resonates differently. So thank you so much for joining us on the licensees platform. Guys, please for don't forget to hit the subscribe button, hit the like button, and leave a comment. And please go and follow Karen at My Mental Stories on Instagram. Until next time, I'm Jen Simpson. What you choose today becomes the legacy you pass on.